PARENTING

Children's physical and emotional status, as well as their social and cognitive development, greatly depend on their family dynamics. The rising incidence of behavioural problems among children could suggest that some families are struggling to cope with the increasing stresses they are experiencing.

Building and maintaining a relationship with a child takes work. Even the most loving parents must put a lot of time and effort into developing positive relationships with their children. Yet parents can still have problems with their children, even if they've done everything they can to avoid them. When problems arise, don't spend time lamenting the broken relationship. Instead, take the necessary steps to fix the problems, and start rebuilding healthy relationships with your children. Whether the children are four or fourteen, it's not too late to start to make the relationship right.

The Importance of the Parent/Child RelationshipThe parent/child relationship plays a critical role in a child's development. "When kids have dependable, reliable, consistent and stable relationships with their parents, they have a secure base from which they can explore and experience their world, leading to healthy growth and development," says Erin Tebben, a clinical counselor, who regularly works directly with parents to help improve how they interact with their children. Tebben also notes that "kids also use their relationships with their parents as models for relationships with others. If they do not have a strong, positive relationship with their parents, it will be much more difficult for them to develop strong, positive relationships as they interact with others."

While there's no recipe for building a healthy parent/child relationship, parents can do a few things to help build a positive relationship and prevent many of the common relationship problems. For parents, problems can often be avoided or lessened by remembering these three approaches.

• Parents should communicate with their children, encouraging their children to express their emotions and share their needs.
• Parents should provide for their children, meeting both their physical and emotional needs.
• Parents should provide consistent discipline, setting healthy boundaries and making sure kids follow them.

• Five Common Relationship Problems

  Often, despite a parent's best efforts, parent/child relational problems arise. These problems may start when a child is young or develop as a child gets older and enters different stages of development. For example, a teenager may show a lack of respect for her parents as she begins to become more self-absorbed and depend more on her friends than her family. Some problems require a little extra time and focused attention to make them disappear, while others may require parents to drastically change their style of parenting and how they interact with their children on a daily basis.

  Lack of Respect

  

  Children who do not respect their parents often show their lack of respect by failing to obey their parents or showing a disregard for their emotions and feelings. This lack of respect may transfer to a child's self-respect, causing him to make bad choices. It may also transfer to how a child respects others, making him treat others poorly. While sometimes a lack of respect simply comes as kids begin to rely less on their parents and more on the world, parents can continue to foster a sense of respect by:

  • Setting rules and following up with reasonable consequences
  • Showing respect to their children
  • Modeling respect when interacting with others
  • Parenting with confidence; make a decision and stick to it

  Lack of Trust

  Parents whose children have made a host of mistakes or who regularly engage in dishonest behaviors may have difficulty trusting their children. In order to rebuild trust in their children, parents need to give them a chance to demonstrate they are worthy of that trust. To build trust, parents should:

  • Teach children the importance of being honest.
  • Create a plan to help rebuild lost trust.
  • React positively when children tell the truth, even if they share negative information.

  Children whose parents regularly lie to them, betray their confidence, or fail to follow through on their promises may also experience a lack of trust in the parent/child relationship. Parents can help their children trust them by:

  • Not making promises they can't keep
  • Following through on promises made
  • Keeping private information private
  • Talking to children about why something shared in confidence must occasionally be shared with others
  • Always being truthful with children

  Lack of Communication

• A lack of communication can be one of the most frustrating problems for both parents and children. Parents feel like their children don't listen to a word they say, while children feel like their parents don't understand them or never take the time to listen. When this happens, instead of working harder to communicate, parents and kids often stop communicating entirely, leading to anger, sadness and a host of other negative emotions.

  Parents who have trouble getting their kids to listen should follow a few guidelines when talking to their kids:

  • Get on the child's level
  • Use positive phrasing
  • Offer choices
  • Keep it short
  • Stay calm

  Parents whose children complain they never listen to them should:

  • Regularly take time to let children talk
  • Avoid responding with strong emotion
  • Focus on the child's interests and feelings
  • Give children full attention while they're talking

  Codependence

  Sometimes the child and parent relationship is thrown off balance. Instead of the parent taking care of the child, the child may feel a need to take care of the parent. This may happen when a parent expect a child to become more like a friend, listening to the parent's problems and providing a social outlet for the parent. It may also happen when parents become depressed, disabled, or otherwise able to care for themselves. Children may act in ways designed to make mom or dad happy, try to solve family problems on their own, or even simply take on the majority of daily tasks around the home, such as cooking or cleaning.

  Parents who find themselves becoming too dependent on their children should:

  • Seek out others to provide emotional support
  • Set healthy boundaries with your child
  • Remind yourself and your child of your roles in the home

  Children may also be too dependent on their parents. This may happen when parents regularly make decisions or try to solve problems for their children instead of letting them safely venture out on their own. Children may also act in ways designed to get the approval of their parents, rather than coming up with their own thoughts, ideas, and interests.

  When codependence becomes a problem, parents should:

  • Give children a chance to take on age-appropriate tasks
  • Allow children to safely solve their own problems
  • Encourage children to develop their own interests

  Physical and Verbal Abuse

  Abuse requires immediate help and should be reported, but not all physical and verbal abuse leads to hospital visits, nor does it always take place in the open. In fact, even good parents can occasionally be guilty of abuse. They may hit a child or inflict pain on a child during a moment of stress. Other parents may use words to demean their children, regularly putting them down, yelling at them, or telling them they are not good enough. Seek help in situations by contacting the following for help:

  • Emergency assistance for immediate danger - Call 911 if a child or parent is in immediate danger.
  • Hotlines - Contact a national child abuse hotline like Childhelp for help, support, and connection to local authorities.
  • Local human services or assistance programs - Call your local state agency to report and seek assistance.

  If you are or suspect someone is abusing your child, getting help through therapy and other programs can help to lessen the impact on a child and improve your parenting style. Child abuse is clearly a parent problem and the focus on fixing it is on the parent - but children will react to abuse in different ways. While an abusive parent may not always recognize that he or she is being abusive, there are few things parents can do to stop abuse should it happen:

  • Seek the help of a professional, like a therapist, counselor or doctor
  • Look for signs of fear when a child approaches
  • Listen to a child and stop negative behaviors if a child cries or says she is hurt
  • Pay attention to other adults who express concerns
  • Take a moment to step away and breathe when tempted to act out of anger
  • Use only positive words and phrases when talking with children

  Occasionally, children may also abuse their parents. As children grow stronger, they can start to hit, bite, or physically attack their parents in other ways. They may also start to call their parents names or criticize them in other ways. Children may abuse their parents when they get angry and do not how to control their emotions, when they want to gain control, or even when they are under the influence of alcohol or illegal substances. Abused parents do not have to sit back and allow their children to abuse them. Instead they should take steps to stop the abuse, which include:

  • Getting professional help for the family and/or the child. In extreme cases, this could be a medical emergency that requires immediate psychological help through an inpatient psychiatric facility. Especially if they are seriously harming others.
  • Respond firmly, but calmly
  • Helping the child find healthy ways to express anger
  • Not retaliating or responding in kind

  Rebuilding a Positive Relationship

• Rebuilding a positive relationship with a child takes three main components: love, structure, and time. "Kids need a balance of things in order to grow and thrive. They need love and warmth and they also need structure and consistency. Frequently, when parents and children report feeling dissatisfied with their relationships with each other, the balance between love and warmth and structure and consistency is thrown off. Kids also need time from their parents and they need to know that they will have time from their parents when they need it," says Tebben.

  Solving Your Problems

  While some parent/child relationship problems may require a professional, such as a social worker or counselor, to step in, most parents and children can solve their problems on their own. Parents need to communicate to their children that they love them and that they have their best interests at heart. They also need to take the time to interact with their children, figure out what may be at the root of the problem, and also give children time to share their emotions and needs. When parents and children take the time to communicate with one another regularly and act out of the mutual love they have for one another, most problems will become temporary obstacles rather than major roadblocks in the relationship.

• Most Common Parenting Problems and Ways to Overcome Them

• Here are some common problems that parents face and ways to resolve them.

  1. Shyness

  As children grow up, they start meeting other kids in school and their neighborhood. Many engage readily with other kids, but a few of them prefer being aloof and shun any kind of engagement. Some kids may be extremely shy and slow to warm up to other children to make friends or converse with them.

  Solution

  The best way to handle this situation is to observe your child. If he actively refuses to engage with other kids, you can talk to him gently about making friends or so. At no point should you force him to converse with someone or play with somebody else. At times, two shy kids may also end up becoming friends.

  2. The Digital Device Addiction

  All our lives revolve around devices, but kids perceive digital devices in a different way. They will literally grab phones and video game consoles and stay hooked to them for hours at end. On refusing to give him or taking the gadgets away from him, your kid might get angry, impatient, or start crying uncontrollably.

  Solution

  Its parents who introduce children to the digital world, and as parents, it’s your job to introduce your kids to other activities that provide them with the same excitement or fervour that gadgets do. Outdoor activities and board games are a great alternative where you can participate as well. Try and enforce specific playing times or playing hours when your child can use their gadgets.

  3. Improper Eating Habits

  One of the biggest issues parents face is that their children often do not eat proper meals at the right time and in the right quantity. They will refrain from eating healthy vegetables and often opting for sweets and snacks stored in the house. Burgers, pizzas, and other junk foods hold their attention and your child would want to eat only those every time you step outside.

  Solution

  In such cases, forcing never works. Try talking to your child about the effects of continued consumption of junk foods. Show him examples of obesity and health issues. Include him in various activities of the kitchen and let him see how a nutritious meal is prepared.

  4. No Mood for Studies

  Every parent has had to struggle with their kid procrastinating on completing their homework or studying for an upcoming exam or simply being in touch with what has been taught. Most of the times, this is met with scolding the child or forcing him to sit and finish the chapter.

  Solution

  Try and talk to him about what he liked in school and inculcate a sense of curiosity and interest in that subject. If he is weak or unfocused in a particular subject, talk to him about how the knowledge can be applied with real-life examples. When it comes to studying, having a set routine works like magic. So try and implement a routine and follow it consistently.

  5. Constant Whining and Complaining

  Nearly all children whine and complain to their parents. He might cry and whine for the smallest of things. Any small incident in school or while playing with his friends or even at home might trigger him to complain and whine about it throughout.

  Solution

  It is important to know that the pure reason for complaining and whining is that your kid wants to know whether you are paying attention to him or not. It is best to talk with him the moment you hear him complain and offer a solution quickly. Gradually, educate him in communicating his issues the right way instead of whining all the time. Talk to him about how he himself can resolve certain problems of his own.

  6. Angry and Aggressive Child

  This is quite a challenging issue and might be a result of various single parenting issues as well. When your child’s actions go unchecked, he could develop into an angry child who screams and breaks things, constantly causing trouble and stress for himself and for you. The child may resort to violence as a way to get things done.

  Solution

  It is very rare that your child may not have a reason for their angry behaviour. Try talking to him to find out if there are any situations in the house or outside that cause him to be stressed and react in this manner. If the situation is dire and has been continuing for a long time, it is best to get him to an anger management counsellor for professional attention.

  7. Lying

  Nearly all children lie one time or the other. You may even realize that your child is lying but don’t call him out on that. This results in him continuing to lie and developing it into a habit. Left unchecked, this could manifest in hiding important things from you as well.

  Solution

  It is important to not scold or beat your child when he lies. Let him know that you can see the lie and talk to him about why it isn’t good. Ask him to not fear you while telling the truth, even if it might be where he may have committed a mistake.

  8. A Rivalry Between Siblings

  Sibling fights and arguments are something every parent takes for granted. But when they get out of control, these could manifest into hatred for each other. Moreover, constant fights can cause you a lot of trouble and ruin the atmosphere of the house.

  Solution

  Intervene in the initial times to resolve the situation calmly and talk to them about how they could do the same as well. Let the first steps be to calm both the kids down and not blame one or the other for anything. Enforce a rule where any argument would end up as a penalty for both kids equally.

  9. Disobedience

  There are times when you ask your child to do something and he straight up refuses. Most parents interpret this as rudeness or being over-smart but your child is primarily trying to establish his own importance and opinion. Creating a power dynamic of your superiority over him might cause him to be aggressive.

  Solution

  Having an opinion is a strong sign in your child. Talk to him about why what you’re asking of him is necessary and listen to his side of why he doesn’t want to do it. Reason it out and it would mostly work. Being calm will cause them to rethink what they’ve said. If it starts getting rude, be firm and strict about it right away.

  10. Consistent Tantrums

  This is different from whining or complaining. When your child throws a tantrum, he will just start crying and not convey the reason behind it. He won’t listen to you or want to calm down and just create absolute chaos.

  1. Lack of time

  One of the biggest challenges faced by parents today is the lack of time. In a day, parents (especially moms) have to juggle between so many duties. Managing office work, doing household chores, and looking after kids is a lot to handle.

  Due to increased parenting stress, most parents are choosing to become parents much later in life, once they are financially settled. Moreover, parents are increasingly resorting to having just one kid as they find it extremely difficult to manage life with kids around.

  2. Failure to teach kids the fundamental moral values

  You would see that young kids are increasingly getting diverted towards doing wrong things. One of the biggest reasons for this is that they lack moral values. The parents are already managing so much in a time-pressed schedule. They hardly find time to teach kids the fundamental moral values. The small kids lack the wisdom to differentiate between what is right and what is wrong.

  Plus, the added exposure of media and technology, are making inappropriate content available for the kids. The ethical values and moral values have also deteriorated in the upcoming generation due to indecent exposure.

  Due to smartphones all around, parents are unable to track the activities of their kids. This may be very dangerous for the child’s development and may put him or her on the wrong track if their actions are not closely monitored.

  In earlier times, when living in joint families was a popular way of living in India, the grandparents would teach the fundamental ethical and moral values to the kids. But due to the increasing preference for nuclear families, the parents fail to give ample time to kids.

  3. Imbalanced life

  Somewhere with this whole rat race of proving ourselves and earning more with time, the true essence of life is lost. Though there are more facilities and comforts, but somewhere the happiness and peace in the heart has gone away. 

  The families are falling apart due to a lack of time for each other. The children suffer when they don’t find their parents around. Sometimes, the kids develop an inferiority complex when they don’t find enough support and love of their parents.

  So, balancing life is another big challenge for parents in 2020. Though career is important, but ignoring kids and other responsibilities cannot lead to a fulfilling life. Hence, the parents are always on their toes to be able to perform well in aspects of life.

  4. Lack of trust and understanding

  As parents are away at work, usually, they lack an excellent strong bonding with their kids. The emotional bonding between a parent and a child has faded away with time. 

  The kids are hesitant to open up in front of their parents due to a lack of emotional tie-up. This is the reason why kids are increasingly seeking help from their peers rather than approaching their parents. 

  When the kids are not attached to their parents, they are emotionally wrecked and feel lonely.

  5. Nutritional deficiency 

  No doubt, the parents have become much aware of the importance of good nutrition and work hard towards it, but still, the kids today suffer from nutritional deficiencies.

  The increased contamination in food and milk has created a major barrier to provide ample nutrition to kids. Due to complicated life, the concept of eating freshly cooked food has also faded with time. The availability of junk food everywhere has further challenged the way kids eat today.

  In most places like Mumbai, Delhi, and Bangalore, the food is cooked once in a week, refrigerated and consumed for the entire week. Though the variety, the taste, and the options in the menu have improved over time due to the double income of parents, but nutrition is still a concern.

  The heavy use of chemicals and pesticides have deteriorated the nutritional value of the food. The kids these days suffer from an increasing number of diseases and are seen to have weak immunity.

  6. Excessive use of gadgets

  Not a single day passes by when kids don’t use gadgets to play games on mobile, iPads, or laptops. It is said that the 90’s generation of kids was the last generation to play out on the roads. 

  Nowadays, kids are completely glued to screens, as there are so many apps to distract them. You would notice that due to frequent screen exposure, the eyesight problems are rising in kids. 

  Moreover, the physical and motor skills development suffers when kids don’t get ample movement while playing outside. Kids are increasingly becoming obese or overweight, which was never seen in the older generation.

  Keeping kids off gadgets is another challenge for parents today. The parents have to really pressurise kids to go out to play rather than playing games on the phone. If the screen exposure is not cut down, it will have a very bad impact on the physical as well as mental development of kids.

  There is also increased peer pressure on kids to use mobiles and iPads. On a social gathering or outings, you would find kids using apps on phones to play games, etc. The kids get encouraged to use these gadgets more and more by looking at each other.

  7. Aggressive behaviour

  Today’s kids just don’t listen to anyone. You would find them answering back at you, arguing and doing only what they feel like doing. Once they turn teens, they just can’t stand anyone’s interference in life, not even their parents.

  So, why are kids becoming so aggressive these days? Overall, if you see, we have evolved to become impatient and less tolerant as a society. It is common to have fights and arguments at home. 

  The movies that we see are filled with action and violence. Even the cartoon shows are filled with negative traits of anger and violence. Kids get exposed to insecurities, stress, negativity, aggression right from the beginning. 

  At times, you will find it very difficult to get your kid on to your terms. The kids misbehave, get annoyed, throw stuff or hit their parents when they are asked to do something they don’t like.

  This behaviour gets too upsetting at times, and you have to put in a lot of effort to sober down your kids. 

  8. Judgemental attitude

  Today a kid is expected to be perfect in all ways to get accepted by his or her peers in school. If a kid does not speak well or is weak in studies, he or she is commonly judged by their peers.

  You would notice that if your child is shy in socialising, then he or she will have a tough time making friends in school.

  The times have changed, and even kids have become very judgemental about each other. Small kids are faced with things like being bullied, mocked at, and isolated by their peers. 

  Life is no longer smooth and easy for parents these days. There are plenty of issues to handle right from the beginning years of schooling. At times, the child gets beaten up or is a victim of another child’s aggression. At other times, he is made fun of because he could not perform as expected in his class. 

  So, parents, these days have to put in a lot of effort to make their child come up to expected benchmarks only to help them get accepted socially.

  9. Too much study pressure

  Today, even a small 10 years old kid is studying for almost 10 hours a day. The competition has increased so much. The kids have to be sent for additional classes post-school to make them competitive.

  The kids are sent for Abacus classes, Vedic mathematic classes, reading and writing classes, etc. to gain an edge over others. Making kids study so hard puts a lot of pressure on parents. 

  Parents need to put in the extra effort of picking up and dropping kids and making them revise things taught in these extra classes. It also adds a little more financial burden on parents who spend so much on these extra classes. 

  The entire study system has evolved over time. The kids have to study and stay up to the mark to survive in such cut-throat competition.

  10. Protecting kids against child abuse

  53% of children in India are a victim of sexual or physical abuse. Even the cases of rapes and murders are increasing at an alarming rate as reported by the National Crime records bureau. The changing complexities of life have exposed children to a different set of challenges in current times.

  A parent needs to be so much more aware of her child all the time. The children need to be protected and supervised at every step. Even when the kids have gone on playdates, the parents need to keep a constant check on them by getting in touch with their friends parents.

  Especially the girl child needs to be protected at all times. The parent cannot let the small girls go in elevators all by themselves. They need to be escorted to playgrounds and need to be keenly watched for their safety. Sending them to a neighbour’s also is not safe these days.

  The small girls need to be guarded against male servants like drivers, cooks, etc. The society’s moral values have entirely faded away with time. It is scary for parents to read and learn about the dirty things happening to kids.

  So, a parent’s concern has grown so much over time. There is so much to protect your child from. The media, the technology, the strangers are all threats for your child. 

  If a parent wants to really focus on the healthy upbringing of a child, then they need to be a constant watchdog for kids these days. Obviously, this has made things so much more difficult for parents as well as kids. These factors have raised the parenting stress manifold, and a lot of parents feel constant burnout due to the above-mentioned challenges.Solution

  This is majorly a power dynamic at play and it is important to not lose your cool. Tell your child that you are ready to listen to him once he stops crying. Until then, continue with your own activities. Once he sees that his tantrum has no effect on you, he will stop and talk to you about what he really wants